Coping Done Wrong

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Some people do yoga,attend church, go for therapy, exercise to find an outlet for their stress. All those are healthy ways of dealing with stress.

I really wish I could be one of those people. Instead I cut myself. I have been doing it since I was 12 and over the years it has just gotten more severe. I managed to get 33 stitches in my wrist years ago. My wrists look a road map. Problem is, people thought I needed attention or I was suicidal – neither was true.

I stopped cutting my wrists as it is a million degrees and I can’t hide it under long sleeves. Unfortunately I still needed to do it, which made me start cutting my stomach. Due to me being very overweight (most of the fat on my stomach) means that the scars stretch about 3 times in size.

I did really well for more than 6 years, only occasionally falling off the wagon. Now I’m back to about every 2 weeks. Sometimes it’s just a small slice, other times I really rip up my flesh.

Christmas is my favorite holiday and I used to decorate and buy presents in Oct already. This year there are no gifts or decor. I always stressed due to not having a lot of money, this year I am not up to it. Frankly I am up to nothing anymore. Life consists of work, house work and sleeping. Sad.

Right in my back

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Never in a hundred years did I think that someone would try to destroy my business! Why?!?

So how the story goes – I suspect – is that I got contacted by by a guy in Pretoria that wanted to collaborate with me by sharing a vegan food site. It’s nice how he thinks so since I have worked my ass off getting established. He can just swoop in and be part of a successful business. I don’t think so honey boo boo!

Obviously I didn’t put it that bluntly, just said no thank you.

Friday I get a call from a supplier who was told my hygiene and food certificate isn’t done. Yes that is true, but I forgot. I try incredibly hard to keep up with life, yet sometimes I really drop the ball 😦

It is very offensive that it was implied my office and kitchen isn’t clean. I was diagnosed with OCD years ago. I am a germaphobe of note, which means the thought of anything of mine being dirty kills me.

I have now applied for an inspector to come out and give us the certificate. Went through the whole list and everything is as it should be, except that my cleaning products are in the office and no chemicals should be. Very simple solution – buy a outside cabinet box which will happen as soon as we have confirmation on exactly how it must be.

I sincerely hope that bashing me and my business with suppliers and on social media makes him feel like a big boy!

No one is there

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Ever feel like you are talking, but no one hears you? Do they really not register what you are telling them or do they just not care? Obviously they won’t admit to the latter.

I am working 14 hour days and I have been trying to tell my fiance and mum that the business has grown to such an extent that I am just not coping. All I hear in return is that they completely understand. No. You. Don’t.

Year and a half ago I was given a business which my mum funded. There is no other online vegan site anywhere near as big as ours, which is amazing! I am incredibly blessed and don’t want the business to slow down.

I learned through therapy that I need to tell them when I need help. Why though? It doesn’t seem to do anything. My mother is completely occupied with her account manager job along with doing the accounts for my business. My fiance works full time as a computer technician and does my in area deliveries once a week. That leaves all the shipments for me – which is back breaking.

So the question remains… Suffer in silence, scream at the top of your lungs or have another breakdown. It feels like I have tried the first two without success.

Fibro and Carbs

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Fibromyalgia makes you crave carbohydrates in a very bad way. There are now studies out proving the link between the illness and eating patterns.

“Dr. Paul St. Amand, Associate Clinical Professor at the University of California, Los Angeles, states on his website that people with fibromyalgia tend to have more frequent cravings for carbohydrates than healthy individuals. When they give into carbohydrate cravings, a hypoglycemic state, or a sudden drop in blood sugar, can occur, perpetuating the fatigue and pain of fibromyalgia. Dr. St. Amand states that hypoglycemia and fibromyalgia commonly occur together, yet it can be hard to get a correct diagnosis since symptoms like trouble sleeping, headaches, muscle cramps and fatigue occur with both conditions. For treating hypoglycemia, Dr. St. Amand recommends a reduction in carbohydrates, especially sugars.”

It’s been a mission not to give in to these cravings. I am vegan and gluten intolerant. At this stage I can literally eat a whole loaf of white bread without taking a breath in between.

Having this illness means you take meds, a whole lot of meds. Many have weight gain as a side effect, so having a carb rich diet will make you gain weight instantly.

I have been pretty depressed as I used to weight 54KG and now I weigh 98KG. Almost doubled in size. Thank God I am tall, otherwise I would be round.

The struggle is real.

Migraine Monster

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If you have ever had a migraine you would know how incredibly debilitating it is. You can’t work, read, cook, play with the dogs, sleep or watch tv.

I have suffered with one for the past 4 days. Today it is relatively manageable – not that I have a choice. I send out all my shipments to the rest of South Africa on Tuesdays.

I feel slow and blurry. Kind of like being on auto pilot. After sorting out my work for the morning I need to go upstairs and do laundry, prep dinner and take care of my cat who had chemo on his eye (he has a sinus infection and I need to clean it and put in ointment).

When I look in the mirror I see an old woman of 45 instead of 32. The rings under my eyes are black, my skin is covered in blisters and eczema. Worst part is I never get pimples and had beautiful skin. HAD being the operative word 😦

I can’t manage to think of one positive aspect about me at this point.

 

People need to think

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I run my own Vegan Online shop called Pink Piggy Lifestyle. My mum does the accounts and my fiance site maintenance and deliveries.

all the admin, shipping, orders and suppliers fall on me. It’s a lot of work, but at least something I believe in.

Dealing with suppliers can be incredibly frustrating. Some are super and I always get my stock on time. Actually most of them are like that. Then there is one supplier who stocks a large range of my vegan “meat”. They are always late. They never have enough stock. We need to drive 4km to collect our order and then sit there and wait as they are still packing it.

Today I get an Email saying my order won’t be ready tomorrow as they have a Market. This seems to be the excuse every time! I was also told that the markets will always take priority. I was one of the first people to stock their range and spend thousands in orders with them. Yet I am not a priority.

Unfortunately they have an excellent and very popular product range. Which means I can’t not stock them.

I am so sick and tired of always having issues with them. What the hell is wrong with people?!? When did they get so self absorbed?!?

Pills

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With any chronic illness comes the joy of pills – lots of pills. Half of them are trial and error as many of the illnesses have no cure and research has been minimal.

Last night I made a huge mistake. My meds are in those 7 day pill boxes. I accidentally took my morning pills instead of the evening ones.

It is insane to think that within a few hours I was incredibly sick. My body hurt, I was nauseous, shaking and wide awake. It makes you think what insane toxins are in them. I have tried going off them, lets just say it was a disaster.

I wish I didn’t have to spend thousands on meds to poison my body, but the alternative is much worse.

Vegan for the Animals

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People become vegan for many reasons. Health, religion, animals and of course those that do it as it is in fashion being done by some celebrities.

i do it purely for the animals. My vegan journey started 23 years ago, when I was 9 years old.

It was Easter Weekend and I still lived in Namibia. Friends of mine invited me to their farm 3 hours from the city. I was super excited to go.

We went horse riding on the day after we got there. Before we left there was the cutest goat. I petted him and went on the ride When I returned he was hanging on a hook being bled out. I was hysterical. When I asked their dad what was going on, he said it was for Sunday’s stew. My mother was called and I went home once she finally arrived from the city.

The reason I was so upset was because up until then I didn’t associate meat with living animals. I thought it came from the store. I feel this is the problem with so many kids. They just don’t know.

That was 23 years ago. I was vegetarian for 16 years and then became a full vegan. Best decision I ever made. Never looked back.

Burden

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Ever feel like you are just a burden on those you love? My partner and my mom seem to carry me in so many ways.

Financially both of them need to spend so much on me. My partner spends most of his salary on my medications and specialist appointments. My mum lets me live with her rent free. She pays for everything including my pets.

Sometimes I think they would both be better off without me. My partner could get married to someone normal and start a family – I might never be able to have kids.

My mom will be able to live comfortably instead of month to month.

What purpose do I serve? None.

Summer is Here

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Now not to complain about all the flowers blooming and birds returning, but it seems that we went from winter to summer in a week. Thanks to global warming (yes I believe in it) there seems to be no more autumn or spring in South Africa.

Now any women going through menopause or any person with certain chronic illnesses – like me – will tell you that hot flashes are things nightmares are made of.

You sweat, need to wash your hair daily, can’t sleep, feel like you are slapped when you go outside, headaches, acne, oh the list goes on…

So for all my friends in the northern hemisphere, be SO grateful. Think I am going to start migrating to wherever winter is 🙂